Be the lighthouse.

When Maggie Reyes started her blog, she had exactly zero readers.

Well actually, she had one. Her devoted husband.

“You can do it, babe!” he said.

“I know I can!” she said.

Modern Married — Maggie’s blog about falling in love, staying in love, and creating a marriage that feels like a honeymoon — was born.

She started posting inspirational messages and relationship tips online. At first, she had absolutely no readers aside from her husband.

I asked Maggie:

“How did you find the motivation to keep writing even though nobody was paying attention?”

She said:

“I pretended that I was a lighthouse beaming light and love out into the world. I pretended that thousands of people were listening. I wrote as if thousands of people were listening. I never missed a single post because then I’d be letting thousands of people down! I imagined that I was changing thousands of people’s lives by sharing my ideas every day.”

“Finally,” she continued, “A few people started seeing what I was doing. They started sharing it with their friends. Then a few more. Now, a few years later, I am that lighthouse!”

And so it is.

Today:

Modern Married continues to grow. Maggie retired her blog in 2020 and launched The Marriage Life Coach Podcast, which is ranked among the top 2% of podcasts out of over 3 million podcasts tracked by ListenNotes.

She was named one of “the relationship experts to watch” by The Gottman Institute, an award-winning organization that collects scientific data about marriage and divorce.

She runs a thriving practice as a relationship coach and gets paid to help couples build stronger, happier marriages. She is officially living her dream.

Oh, and she’s the author of a mega-bestselling book for couples with more than 3,800 Amazon reviews. (The book was so successful, the publisher did a spin-off card deck too.)

It all happened because Maggie wrote as if the world was already listening.

If you want to be a writer, write. If you want to be a speaker, speak. Whatever you want to do, behave as if it is already your vocation.

Operate like the world is already listening.

Perform like a musician rocking out to a packed stadium, even if (in reality) you’re playing to an audience of one.

Don’t hold back. Don’t be stingy. Give it your all.

Be the lighthouse.

The people who need what you provide will arrive, gathering to bask in your light.

What’s Next?

When my mom turned 40, she had three children (including an infant) and a successful career in the performing arts.

Being a singer and dancer had always been her dream. She fought tooth and nail to make that dream a reality. She’d done it for 20 years.

But dreams can change.

At 40, she was tired of physically grueling auditions, rehearsals, and performances. Many nights, she’d get home long after my siblings and I went to bed. The hustle she once loved didn’t feel enlivening anymore.

She wanted a new season in her career. Something different.

“What’s next?” she wondered. She didn’t have a clear vision.

Over the next year, my mom took 50 people out for coffee. One per week.

Each time, she sat down with a friend, colleague, or mentor and asked, “What’s new?” “What are you working on lately?” “What’s lighting you up?” She also shared, “I’m ready for a career change and open to new ideas.”

She figured, “If I’m stuck in a rut and don’t know what’s next, the best thing to do is talk to people doing interesting work and expose myself to new possibilities.”

50 coffee dates later, mom applied for a teaching position at a community college in their vocal department … which led to meeting a songwriter named Anais Mitchell … which led to producing a Tony and Grammy Award-winning Broadway show, Hadestown.

Her career unfolded in surprising directions. It all started with a willingness to take one person out for a latte.

As I head towards my 40th birthday, I’m feeling eerily similar to my mom. Hungry for a new season in my career. But what? I’m not sure.

For now, I will follow in her footsteps and simply let people know, “I’m open to new possibilities.”

Who knows where one conversation may lead?

-Alex

PS. Reach out to someone you admire. Ask, “What’s lighting you up these days?” You may learn about a project, idea, or opportunity that pulls you in a direction you never expected.

Give Yourself a Raise

Erin was a frazzled business owner running a Pilates studio—with two kids at home. She worked nonstop but never had enough money. Each month was so tight. Sometimes, she had just enough to cover her expenses. Other times, not even that.

After developing a splitting headache that wouldn’t go away, she landed in the hospital and found out she had a serious condition. Her brain and spinal cord were inflamed due to a viral infection. And, her immune system was impaired due to chronic stress. Her doctor pleaded with her to stop working for a while and go on bedrest.

While she resisted at first (“I can’t afford to stop working, not even for a couple days!”) she ultimately relented. She recognized that her health must come first—for her sake, and for her daughters’ sake too.

This unexpected pause gave Erin space to re-evaluate her entire business—and life.

She realized that she’d been severely undercharging her clients, which kept her trapped in a cycle of overworking and underearning.

She had an epiphany: “I need to give my business a complete makeover.” Step one? Raising her prices.

She crunched the numbers and figured out a new pricing model—one that would be sustainable. She rolled out the new pricing to her clients. She confronted her worst fears (“Nobody will pay these higher prices,” “My clients will abandon me and go somewhere cheaper”) but vowed to stick with her plan anyway. “This is not optional. It has to be done.”

Thanks to these changes, the Pilates studio shifted from struggling to thriving. Finally, she could work less, earn more, and had space to breathe. Later, she sold the studio for 40x her original investment. (Round of applause for this savvy CEO!)

In life, often, there’s one glaring issue that we don’t want to confront. It’s like a flat tire. Even if the rest of the car is perfectly fine—with a flat tire? It’s not going to run optimally. Or at all.

For Erin, the flat tire was pricing. She was charging too little, which meant she needed to work longer hours to make ends meet, which meant she exhausted herself, which led to a health crisis. It took tremendous courage, but she eventually confronted this issue, fixed it, and got the car cruising like never before.

What is your flat tire?

It could be pricing. It could be clutter. Over-committing and stuffing your schedule to the gills. Compulsively scrolling on your phone. Or another financial, emotional, mental, physical, or relationship pattern that you do not want to look at.

Imagine what would happen if you confronted this flat tire and made a plan to resolve it. It would bring immediate relief into your life. It might change everything.

Erin’s story reminds me that transformation is possible at any time. Flat tires can be repaired. People do it every day.

No matter how bleak things seem right now, it’s never too late to make the changes you should’ve made years ago.

Your story is not over yet.

-Alex

PS. Erin told me, “I want to write a book” and asked if I’d be her writing coach and editor on the project. After hearing her story, I joyfully agreed. Her book is called Give Yourself a Raise: The Mindset and Math You Need to Get to Your First Million.

If you wonder, “Why don’t I have enough money?” “Will people still hire me if I charge more?” “But what should I charge, anyway?!” … read this book or listen to the audiobook.

Ask for Miracles

Robert and I walked to the coffee shop. It was nearly 5 pm but we both needed a jolt of caffeine. He seemed distant and preoccupied.

“Are you doing okay?” I asked.

He said, “I got some bad news.”

Long story short…

Robert bought a 200 year old house that was built at a time when slavery was still legal Federally in the United States. Robert—a Black gay man—vowed to renovate the home and fill it with love.

“I will make my ancestors proud and say their names,” he wrote shortly after signing the paperwork to buy the house, which was old, crumbling, and in dire need of TLC.

More than an ordinary home renovation, this project symbolized hope and possibility.

“We can build a future that is better than our past.”

The project caught the attention of Oprah Winfrey. Ms. Winfrey’s network offered Robert the opportunity to do a home renovation TV show. He joyfully agreed.

The bad news? Robert found out—abruptly and unexpectedly—that he would need an additional $300,000 in order to secure the home renovation loan and begin construction. He needed to pull this cash together extremely quickly or the loan—and the show—would be canceled.

Robert explained, “I used all my cash to buy the house. I don’t have another $300k sitting around at this exact moment. I don’t know where I’m going to find that money.”

“There are Black and brown kids who’ve never seen someone who looks like me hosting a major TV show—an entrepreneur, a homeowner, a queer person. Representation matters so much,” Robert continued. “I want this show to happen…for them.”

We walked in silence, processing, thinking. I made a quiet suggestion.

“Robert, this might sound completely wild, but here’s an idea. What if you make a list of 50 people. Friends. Colleagues. Clients. Reach out to each person one by one. Explain why this show matters. Ask each person to contribute financially to support the show. Make 50 Asks in 50 Days.”

“Worst case scenario, they all say no,” I said. “But even if that happens, at least you’ll know that you gave your all. You can feel peace of mind because you’ll know that you really tried.”

Robert went back to his apartment. He got a notepad and made a list of people to contact. And, he spent the next 50 days asking for miracles.

He wrote emails. He requested meetings. He hopped on Zoom. He went to events.

Piece by piece, the funding came in. One colleague offered $25,000. Another signed a check for $10,000. Another gave $50,000—and told Robert about a swanky event where he could network and meet more people who might want to contribute. She urged him to go (and he did).

It was 24 hours before the loan deadline. Robert raised a ton of money but hadn’t reached his $300,000 goal yet. He needed to make one more Big Ask—and needed to do it fast.

He contacted a CEO and asked if they could meet for five minutes…that day. The CEO said, “Okay.”

Robert’s stomach contorted inside out. He was drenched with nervous sweat. He patted himself dry, pulled his shoulders back, and marched into the CEO’s office. He told his story. He described the TV program and what it meant. He asked for support on behalf of all the people whose lives would be impacted by this show.

“How much do you need?” asked the CEO.

“$150k,” answered Robert. Pause. “By 9 am tomorrow.”

The CEO was stunned (understandably so) and said, “Let me sleep on it.”

Early next morning, the CEO emailed Robert and said, “I’ve wired the funds.” He added, “I believe in you. Next time you come to me for an investment, I hope you’ll ask for a million.”

Dear human being who is reading this story…

I know there is something you want.

It might be funding for your project, a book deal, an opportunity to serve humanity on a bigger scale, or perhaps a shift in your life that is small and private, not big and public.

I know you’ve been trying to make it happen.

But what if you dedicated the next 50 days to really trying?

What if you made 50 Asks in 50 Days (like Robert did), or did 50 Acts of Courage in 50 Days, or introduced yourself to 50 Potential Clients in 50 Days, or wrote 5 Pages Every Day for 50 Days?

What if you went for it with your whole heart, instead of tip-toeing around it?

Even when it’s 24 hours before the deadline and you’ve tried everything, try one more time. Courage gets rewarded. Miracles happen. Sometimes at the very last second.

Today is not over yet.

-Alex

PS. Robert approves this message. He hopes you’ll go make Big Asks and create miracles today.

PPS. Watch Robert’s show, Breaking New Ground, on HBO Max. It will inspire you to renovate something in your life, whether it’s a house, business, relationship, or way of thinking.

The Story of Why I Decided to Become a Mom.

I never wanted to be a mom.

When people asked, “Aren’t you going to have kids?” I told them, “Kids are amazing! I’m excited to be a cool auntie one day. But I’ve never felt the desire to have children of my own.”

Unlike many people, I never felt mushy-gushy-oogly-woogly feelings about babies. Puppies? Yes. Tiny goats? Absolutely. Human babies? Not so much.

I’d see other people cooing about newborns (“So cute! Precious! What a chubster wubster! I want to squeeze those cheeks!”) and I didn’t feel any of those feelings. My internal baby-switch was firmly, resolutely in the OFF position. Babies just didn’t do it for me.

I figured, “Being a parent isn’t going to be part of my story—and that’s okay.” My life was rich, fulfilling (and honestly, extremely busy) without kids in the picture.

I owned a small business. I wrote seven books. I filled my days writing, editing, brainstorming creative ways to generate revenue, and taking care of my clients. I had a never-ending checklist of tasks to complete, goals to achieve, and constant deadlines to meet.

Outside of work, I practiced yoga and enjoyed long, peaceful walks. I had the World’s Greatest Dog. I traveled often and squirreled away enough mileage points to upgrade to first class. I had enough disposable income to buy “the fancy peanut butter” and “the nice soap.” Life was good, you know? Nothing was missing.

When I met Zach, my now-husband, one of the first questions I asked was, “Do you want kids?”

He told me, “Absolutely. I’ve always wanted to be a parent.”

Disheartened, I replied, “I don’t feel the same way.” Diplomatically, I added, “I suppose it’s possible that I may feel differently in the future. Never say never. But I can’t make any promises.”

For him, kids were a Definite Yes. For me, more like No with a 1% Chance of Scattered Maybe.

I was concerned and wondered if we ought to split up before things got too serious. Nip it in the bud to prevent inevitable disappointment. I brought this up several times in our early courtship. Tearfully, in parked cars or while cuddling in bed, I blurted out:

“Aren’t you worried about ‘the kid thing’?”

“What if I can’t provide what you want?”

“Is it enough to be with me, with no kids?”

“What if we’re not compatible?”

“Maybe we should break up…?”

Zach was not particularly worried. He told me, “Let’s stay together and see where things go. If we just keep loving each other, one way or another, everything will work out.”

I was moved by his hopefulness and faith.

“Okay. That sounds like a pretty good plan,” I replied.

Over the next four years, we just kept loving each other. We loved each other through the pandemic lockdown—making waffles for dinner and scrolling through the frightening news. We loved each other through career changes, through illness and loss, through financial ups and downs. Slowly we revealed ourselves and earned one another’s trust. We built a relationship that felt like a sanctuary—a quiet place to find comfort and renewal in a bewildering world.

Each year rolled into the next. To my tremendous surprise, I began to feel differently about kids.

There wasn’t one big moment when everything changed and suddenly I wanted a child. It was more like a thousand tiny shifts. Little earthquakes rearranging the topography of my mind.

A few quakes that I remember vividly…

… When Zach told me he wanted to teach his future kids to surf, make breakfast burritos, and drive them to school in the mornings, and that being a full-time dad would be his “dream job.” I visualized him scrambling eggs, tenderly tucking a little one into a car seat, kissing me as the new day began.

I thought, “You know, that actually sounds pretty great. That’s a life that I might want.”

… When mom was recovering from surgery and went unconscious at the dinner table, slumped over in her chair next to an uneaten plate of shrimp and rice. Her mouth was slack, hanging open, eyes rolled back and pitch black like a shark. I called 911 while dad held her and cried, “Stay with me.” The ambulance came. Her breathing steadied. Everything was okay. That night, the scene replayed in my head over and over.

I realized, “My family won’t be around forever. Eventually, everyone I love will die and I will be alone.” Something primal and ancient inside of me whispered, “…Unless you add someone new to your family.”

… When I spent an afternoon at the pool with a friend and her charming daughter. Like me, she’s an entrepreneur. We talked about raising kids while running a business. My friend assured me that it’s hard—but the good kind of hard.

We spoke frankly about money. She explained, “After having kids, I’m more driven to expand my business and build wealth, not less so. The kids are my motivation. They’re my reason for everything.” She’s a Black woman with four kids who became a self-made millionaire after having kids, not before.

That day by the pool, I considered, “What if becoming a mom makes me even more powerful in my career? What if parenting unlocks something new inside of me—strengths I didn’t know I had?” Flickers of excitement coursed through me.

… When I flew to Jamaica for a meditation retreat. They gave us psilocybin—powerful plant medicine—and encouraged us to wander the grounds barefoot, hum, sway, dance, paint, or whatever we felt compelled to do. I sat at the water’s edge watching a mother and her baby playing in the ocean. Light glimmered all around them. The mother lifted the baby into the air, then brought her close to her chest, sealing their skin together. Tears poured down my face. I tasted salt and felt my cells rearrange a bit more, making space for new desires.

I drew a messy sketch in my notebook: a big heart with a tiny heart next to it. Mother and child. Below, I wrote two words: “Remember this.”

One little quiver after another. Over time, “Definitely no kids…” shifted to, “There’s a miniscule possibility…” and then, “Maybe…” and then, “Okay, but not yet…” and eventually, “Let’s do this.”

As I’m typing these words, my daughter is 11 days old, sleeping sweetly in her bassinet just a few feet away. I love her with such depth and intensity that it makes me sob and shake, overwhelmed with emotions I can barely put into words.

My breasts leak with milk. There’s a pile of stuffed giraffes and bunnies in the corner. A clipboard where I track her daily feedings and bowel movements. Drawers full of newborn accouterments—teeny nail clippers, a miniature thermometer, fairy-sized socks and garments. Several times a day, I gaze blearily around my home with bemusement and awe. How did THIS *gestures vaguely all around* happen? Who would’ve guessed I’d be here?

Our brains generate thousands of new neurons every 24 hours. Brain cells die and rebuild well into old age. Whether we recognize it or not, we change our minds every single day. We change in small, imperceptible ways and in the biggest ways, too.

I imagine myself sitting down for coffee with someone who doesn’t want children. Her parents are pestering her to get a move on. Her friends have all procreated. She feels badgered and pressured to join the ranks. She wants reassurance and comfort. This is what I would say to her, and what I wish people had said to me:

“It is okay to change your mind. It is okay not to change your mind. It is possible to experience tremendous joy with or without kids. Don’t let anyone push you into a life that doesn’t fit.” And, I would add, “Stay open to surprises. Life can be very mysterious. You just never know.”